The feeling of emptiness....

For the past 19 years, I went through Valentine day without a single date and for the past few years, I wondered when is it gonna be my turn but I bet the time is not right. So I don't find the necessity to have a relationship.


But these past few weeks, there's a feeling, a feeling of hollow, empty and loneliness that devulges my heart. So I kept wondering why and why and why. Did some research on this and even watch a few clips or movies about it. But all of those just made me worst!!! The feeling of not being able to hug someone when u need to most. The feeling of not being able to talk to someone while being comforted when u need it most. The feeling of not being able to sit beside someone while knowing that she's the only one u love the most. That's feeling I had never experienced before. But as I watch my friends, in the movies or even in novels about love, those were some awesome feelings.


Many had asked me, why Dan? Why are u still single. Are u gay? Are u scared? The truth is I don't know. There are a couple of old experience that I find myself being 'in love'. Sec 3, I fell for this girl older than me by 2 years. I was kinda dumb for not being able to harden my balls and ask he out for a date. As a result, my good friend got her. Wat a failure. Then Sec4, I fall for this girl, a junior of my basketball team. She's a unique chinese girl. I admit I liked her very much. But in the end, she played with my feelings and went off with a guy. OMG. How stupid or weak can I be? Being toyed, being fooled, being nice, being shy..... All of these just backfired. So I try finding myself to like someone but if I don't like her, I don't find the reason to date her.


After reading some notes on attraction, I find out I have to do make the first move. I had never tried it before. So I decided with eye contact. I practised a few times and yes, some attractive women do smile back :) But that's not the point. So I had to find myself a date. After doing so, I tried to keep the fire going, by msg, msg and msg. But why am I not calling? Is it becos I find it meaningless to do so?


In the end, I just gave up. Before Valentine's Day, I was hoping that at least I could get a date but nope. I spent my time with my family in Malaysia. But I had a real hard mind session talk to myself and I had really discovered the truth behind this weird self of mine.


The reason for me wanting a date, wanting someone to hug, etc etc etc is because of the hunger for lust!!! Its more that just for the pretty face. But with my basketball Junior3 years back, I know its love becos my feelings for her never die. Even now there's still some reminiscing. All the girls I tried to date was not becos I'm not good enough or had no balls to call em out. Its becos of my feelings. I never really like em. They're just temporarily a replacement to fill my lust meter but not my love meter. Now that I know the real truth, I can know wat to control and wat not to control.


I guess it not my time to get a girlfriend and stay committed. I can't imagine myself, sitting at the dining table with an attractive woman and saying out romantic words, poems and mushy stuff like that. Buying roses, thinking of creative ways to sent her gifts or b'dae present. And I don't wanna sacrifice my freedom just staying committed to a girl at this very youthful age!!! I'm really not ready for this. Damn. But I know one day, I'm gonna fill this part of my life. For now, lets get on with life.